Phoenix House

Living With an Active User

Living with a person who abuses alcohol or drugs is hard. You may have seen the user lose jobs, friends, responsibilities, family. You may remember a happier time before they began using. You have probably already urged them to accept treatment for their problem — perhaps even watched them try to get clean and then relapse.

Below are some tips to help you cope with the particular challenges of living with an active user:

Enabling vs. Tough Love

It is hard to know how to help a person struggling with alcohol or drug abuse. You want to offer support — but you need to be sure that the help you give doesn’t make you an ‘enabler.’

What is an ‘enabler’?

An ‘enabler’ is a person who — often unintentionally — allows an addict to continue leading an irresponsible, unproductive, or even dishonest life. In most cases, enabling stems from love, generosity and concern.  It’s not the intent that is the problem, but the outcome.   Usually, enabling behavior allows the addict to continue using.

What are examples of enabling?  When you:

• Cover up: If you call work or school and explain that your loved one is “too sick” to come in, when the reality is a horrible hangover, you’re helping a user to hide the problem.  Try to let addicts deal with the consequences of their behavior.
• Fill in: When you help out because the substance abuser is not able to fulfill his or her basic responsbilities – like paying bills or doing chores — you are giving the substance abuser the time and space to keep using.
• Give Money: Never give money to a person with an alcohol or drug problem — even if they say they need it for something else, your money may easily end up being spent on drugs.

Tough Love

Tough love is a different way to show your concern and love. When you express tough love, you set out clear rules with clear consequences. If a rule is broken, you must follow through with the consequences, no matter how harsh they may seem.  This can be very difficult for parents who are trying to figure out the fine line between being a good parent and being a parent who avoids enabling.

Setting Rules

If you live with someone who abuses alcohol or drugs, you should consider putting in place a set of rules that promotes safety in your home. It may be hard — and painful — to imagine someone you love stealing from you or turning violent, but drugs make people do things that are otherwise out of character.

Safety practices

A few basic practices can help keep your household safe:

• Avoid keeping large amounts of cash or other valuables in the house. Keep valuable items locked away.
• Make sure that only adults who live in your home have a key. If you think others may have keys to your home, consider changing the locks.
• Do not keep guns or other weapons in your home. If possible, keep kitchen knives, scissors, and large tools out of reach.
• Be sure you have a working telephone, preferably with a line behind a locked door. If you can’t afford phone service, call your local telephone company and ask about their program (required by law) to provide low-cost phone service to families.

House rules

Consider setting and enforcing some house rules. You may want to call a family meeting. Make sure you not only set rules, but are clear about the consequences of breaking them. Here are some guidelines to use as a starting point:
A few basic practices can help keep your household safe:

• No one may visit your home while high or intoxicated.
• No one may bring a weapon into your home.
• No one may bring illegal drugs into your home.
• Legal drugs, including alcohol and methadone, must be kept out of the reach of children.
• Violence or threats of violence are not permitted in your home.
• Requests for money will be refused.
• Visitors must call ahead, and must leave immediately if you ask them to.

If a rule is broken

• Speak in a voice that is calm and caring, but also firm.
• However angry you feel, avoid shouting or criticizing. Don’t allow your anger to turn an unpleasant situation into a dangerous one.
• Follow through with the guidelines you set for what happens when that rule is broken.
• Call the police if you feel it is necessary. You can always ask the police not to make an arrest, but to escort the user safely away.
• If violence is threatened, skip the warning and call the police immediately.

Following the incident, get the help and support you need for yourself and others. This may include attending a support group, counseling session, or just talking to a close friend or family member.

Encouraging treatment

If you are living with an active user, you have probably already suggested that they seek treatment for their problem. Unfortunately, without a judge’s order, you cannot force someone to get treatment. All you can do is keep encouraging your loved one to get help. Keep a list of local treatment providers or drug counselors handy. And don’t give up — it’s never too late for someone to get help.

You might also consider conducting a formal intervention. An intervention is when family members or friends confront a loved one about his or her substance abuse, express their concern, and offer suggestions about how and where to get help. Click here to learn more about interventions.